It's Nearly Impossible To Get Drunk On Wine Coolers

I mean, theoretically it can happen, I'm just saying it's tough. I'm trying, though. It's Sunday, almost noon and I'm downing these Fuzzy Navels like candy. Like Candy. I'm basically three down now and while I'm not even feeling a buzz this intense sugar high isn't bad. When my stomach ache kicks in around 30 minutes from now....sure, I'll have regrets. But for now, I'll just buzz along and keep downing these babies. Mission Accomplished, by the way: cheese puffs successfully replaced. I hope the orange hand prints all over the house won't give me away. I didn't even think of that. They need to make a companion product for that stuff, a sort of Cheese Puff Windex, you know? You eat that crap and then you leave an orange trail everywhere, like a powdery, high-cholesterol Hansel and Gretal. What the fuck? It's a good tip for potential murderers: no cheese puffs before the crime. If you're feeling snacky before any acts of violence....consider a pretzel. Thanks.