My Whacky New Advice Column:

More be-headings in Iraq this week. Jeez, come on extremists. Been there, baby. Done that. What else ya' got? In America we love carnage, but if it's repetetive we lose interest, we change the channel. If you want your pathetic message of hate to get through you've got to change up the message every now and then, work in a little variety. How about a week filled with be-footings? Or, you could mass-mail videos of interpretive sock puppetry. That would confuse the hell out of people, which is always good for ratings. Come on, I thought crazy people were supposed to be creative, surely you can do better than these decapitations. It's so...I don't know...Middle Ages. I do realize that it's a tall order. After all, we did raise the bar for creative mindlessness with the Abu Ghraib prison scandal. I mean, erotic human pyramids? Yeah, thats difficult to top, but it's necessary. Our War on Terror is a race to see who can out-sleeze one another, it's a race to the bottom, so get busy people...think. Surely we can find newer, more exciting ways to terrorize one another. My suggestion is to make torture the focus of a new reality television series. It could be entitled "No Survivor"...this way competition could be used as a source for new ideas while at the same time providing Americans with their kill fix.
War: this easy-to-use, non-toxic product not only whitens teeth, it also improves sexual performance. War has been approved for all ages, see Uncle Sam for details.