Religion Reviewed

So, since the new Too Much Coffee Man is about to be released, I wanted to run an old article here, one from the last issue. This is the unedited version of a mock review for the Left Behind series (and by unedited, I mean: the mistakes haven't been fixed). The goal isn't so much to review the series. Instead, the goal is to lightly make fun of the way god is marketed, as if he were a flashy new product, which, when you think about it, is a strange thing. Anyway, the gimmick is that I fully incorporate my own reverent views on spirituality into the review process, discarding objectivity like the tattered whore that it is. The segment is entitled:


AN ATHEIST REVIEWS THE LEFT BEHIND SERIES.


The 12th and perhaps final entry in the Left Behind series reached bookshelves earlier this year with the much anticipated release of Glorious Appearing. Curious about the unprecedented success of Christian authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, I decided to go ahead and give the first few books in the series a try. But, before judging any book, I think it’s always a good idea to take a quick glance at the country’s current list of best sellers. In doing do, you realize pretty quickly that mainstream fiction is in serious trouble. For instance, I finally caved in to the hype and broke “The Davinci Code”. Let me save you a little money: the secret code is S-H-I-T, okay? For a long time now the popular novel has been going through a bland, repetitive slump, and, as a result, I think it’s unfair to judge books by outdated standards. Like quality, for example.

With a context of mediocrity established, I think its safe to say that the Left Behind series really isn’t all that bad. The books follow the story of Rayford Steele, as he and others try to make sense of the rapture and the significance it holds for their future. Wackiness ensues (wackiness, here, defined as the horrific, nightmarish events as foretold in the prophetic book of Revelation). This is Christianity guising itself as secular, commercial fiction, all in an attempt to convey a message: The impending apocalypse...bad. Religiously getting your shit together...good. While the text is awkward and preachy at times, there’s a light quality to the writing that makes the books very readable. Besides, Revelation is easily the most psychotic book in the bible, so its fun to see the weird-ass predictions unfold in the story.

My main criticism of the Left Behind series is it's questionable method of trying to scare people into accepting a specific belief system. The goal is to market God after all, not national security. Surely there’s a more tactful, appropriate way of spreadingthe word. Jesus himself (clearly a public relations master) never tried to frighten people with worst-case scenarios. He preached love. Acceptance. Free booze at parties. That’s good schtick, and the blatant scare tactics hardly seem necessary.

However, with tens of millions of these books sold, it’s hard to deny that the strategy has been amazingly successful. I’m wondering if this wouldn’t be a workable formula for the other major religions as well. Perhaps Buddhists could scare up membership with the fictional series “Confessions of a Gnat”. Muslims of the extremist persuasion could ponder their after-life with the chilling “Dude, Where’s My Virgin?” (Titles I immediately copyrighted,by the way.)

My only other criticism is that, as a non-believer, I found the lack of cursing in the books sort of off-putting. Again, it gets back to the marketing theme. With a target demographic consisting entirely of non-Christians, a little cursing is a good idea, it sells. Just imagine if, instead of “LeftBehind”, the series had been entitled “DivinelyBitch-Slapped”. Who wouldn’t read that?

In closing, I am giving the four books that I have read so far a grade of C-. I just hope it’s clear that my criticisms are aimed at specific human errors and not at Christianity itself. While I do think that religion has fucked the world over pretty seriously, it’s not like I have anything better to offer. Atheism does have its perks (i.e. getting to skip church on Sunday morning), but there’s also a bit of a downside (i.e. meaningless death. Oh, and the rotting. The inevitable, irreversible rotting). Anyway, stayed tuned for the next issue when a hollow, clinically depressed atheist reviews prozac.