This Just In...Everything is Okay
News is now available 24 hours a day. Interesting news, however, is not reported 24 hours a day. Such news is occuring, but it is often ignored in favor of...shall we say, lighter fare. When significant events are reported, they are often phrased in such a way as to make them seem indistinguishable from the aforementioned lighter fare. In other words, these more notable events are mentioned briefly, with little to no detail offered, and the result is that news stories are essentially equalized, no one report is given precedence over the other. So, as a public service, I will now provide a listing of the average news report in summarized form. This can be read in place of any given 15 minute news cycle, meaning that you can view this post at a time of your own choosing and spare yourself the hassle of watching actual news. Thanks.
TODAYS NEWS HEADLINES:
Martha Stewart Said Something. Or She Said Nothing, But Moved From One Location To Another.
A Legal Expert Speculates, Endlessly, On The Recent Whereabouts Of Michael Jackson's Penis.
There Is Weather. Stay Tuned For Your Weather Update, Which Will Be Occurring In Roughly Three Seconds.
President Bush Used The Word Freedom, Repeatedly, In Reference To The Middle East.
In A Related Story, The Middle East Blew Up Today.
There Is Weather. For More On This, Let's Go To Our Weatherman, Who Will Point At Things On A Map And, In A Very Roundabout Way, Re-state That Weather Is, In Fact, Occurring.
Africans, Bunches Of Them, Died Today. There Are No Reports At This Time Of Dead White People, So Let's Move On To Sports.
A Group Of Over-paid And Possibly Steroid-filled Humans Scored Points. A Second Group Scored Fewer Points And, Consequently, Lost.
In Your Health Report: There Is Some Chance That Americans Are Eating Too Much, But, Since This Report Is Being Sponsored By McDonalds, You Should Probably Just Keep Eating. We, For Our Part, Will Interview Scientists Who Validate Insane Diet Fads, Especially Those That Encourage People To Eat Whatever They Want. You Are Welcome.
TODAYS NEWS HEADLINES:
Martha Stewart Said Something. Or She Said Nothing, But Moved From One Location To Another.
A Legal Expert Speculates, Endlessly, On The Recent Whereabouts Of Michael Jackson's Penis.
There Is Weather. Stay Tuned For Your Weather Update, Which Will Be Occurring In Roughly Three Seconds.
President Bush Used The Word Freedom, Repeatedly, In Reference To The Middle East.
In A Related Story, The Middle East Blew Up Today.
There Is Weather. For More On This, Let's Go To Our Weatherman, Who Will Point At Things On A Map And, In A Very Roundabout Way, Re-state That Weather Is, In Fact, Occurring.
Africans, Bunches Of Them, Died Today. There Are No Reports At This Time Of Dead White People, So Let's Move On To Sports.
A Group Of Over-paid And Possibly Steroid-filled Humans Scored Points. A Second Group Scored Fewer Points And, Consequently, Lost.
In Your Health Report: There Is Some Chance That Americans Are Eating Too Much, But, Since This Report Is Being Sponsored By McDonalds, You Should Probably Just Keep Eating. We, For Our Part, Will Interview Scientists Who Validate Insane Diet Fads, Especially Those That Encourage People To Eat Whatever They Want. You Are Welcome.
posted by Samwick @ 3:06 AM
3 Comments:
At 2:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
David, my boyfriend, has speculated that Jackson's defence will pull their trump card soon and announce that he could never have asked anybody to have sex with or wank him because he was castrated as a child on orders of his tyrannical father. As a theory, it fits the voice box.
I don't think he's guilty. There are already so many transparent lies coming across from the accuser's family including the accuser himself. And what's with them having Corey Feldman on side? He need money for his drug habits?
At 5:30 PM,
Stan said…
Matt, did you ever see that great movie back in the 70s or 80s, called Network. It would be interesting to look back at what it predicted and see how close we've come. That was one of the best movies of all time.
At 2:06 AM,
Samwick said…
Andy! I don't know if he's guilty or not, I always try to take the "innocent until proven guilty" standpoint. That is one of the biggest problems I have with the Media...by making news more gossipy and frivolous, they essentially discard the "innocent until proven guilty" right that people should have. If we actually respected the rights of defendants, the news wouldn't be able to spectulate endlessly the way they do, and it's depressing, they've really done a lot of damage to the court system.
I did see Network, Stan. I had completely forgotten about it until you mentioned it, that really is one of the great movies out there. I can't even remember all of it now, but it was completely prophetic in terms of what the media has become. I have got to rent it this week.
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