War...Now For the Whole Family!
What follows is the rough draft for a mock advertisement I had submitted to the liberal humor magazine Too Much Coffee Man. I had been asked to work on a cut-and-paste War On Terror board game, but I just couldn't get the concept to work, so I put this fake ad together instead. Unfortunately, most of the board game had already been designed and worked into the next issue, so the advertisement was not really what the editor needed . He was able to use about half of this as text in the game. I thought I would put the original idea here, even though I never worked it into a final form. The goal was to look at the way many Americans trivialize war, and to take this attitude to an absurd extreme, so...here it is. (Ideally this would have been written in a flashy, newspaper advertsing style...some of these are variations on actually existing board games...also, the name TMCM stands for the title of the magazine.)
IT'S NEW!! IT'S FUN!! IT'S WAR!!
Are you bored with outdated board games? Would you like the perks of being a military superpower in the comfort of your own home? Do you hate Arabs? If so, TMCM has got just the thing for you. We're releasing the next generation of classic board games, which are sure to ramp up the action in your life. The entire series is based on actual world events, making these games as relevant as they are fun. Buy all four and TMCM will put YOU in the global drivers seat!
The War on Terror Board Game:
In this strategy-based game, you are the president ofthe United States fighting against the world's most dangerous terrorists. What makes this title unique is that, as Bush, none of the games complicated rules actually apply to you. Do whatever you want! Ignore the UN. Slap the Canadian Prime Minister. Crap on the White House lawn, it just doesn't matter. Simply mutter the word "freedom" a lot and the world is your board game!
Abu Ghraib Prison Scandal, the Home Game:
How many Iraqi prisoners can you stack in a pile before the whole thing topples? This challenging new game is a lot like Jenga, but with an exciting, homo-erotic twist. Game includes:
-12 nude, Iraqi action figures
-1 small pair of panties
-1 copy of the Geneva convention, which you can wipe your ass with.
No Clue:
The goal in this exciting mystery game is to solve, not one murder, but thousands! Who killed all those people in the office building with an airplane? More importantly, who gives a shit? Once you've established who's involved, you're free to ignore the killer in favor of an inexplicable, random invasion. Wheee!
The Game of Life (in Iraq):
Where should you go to college? What sort of fabulous career should you pursue? Who should you marry, and when? Well, in the Game of Life (in Iraq) it doesn't matter, because you're going to die soon. Between a brutal insurgency and the US occupation, you're more concerned with daily mortar attacks and roadside bombings than with the long-term goals most people have. Financial success? Retirement? Make it to the fruit-stand in one piece and you'll be doing great.
And coming soon from our TMCM Toy Division:
Exploding Yard Darts!
Moral Slip n' Slide!
Pin The Blame On The Media!
And Patriotic Bumper-stickers!
Each one proudly displays US foreign policy as articulated by President Bush. Three to choose from:
1. Uh...liberty?
2. Freedom and stuff
3. Iranistan, here we come!
IT'S NEW!! IT'S FUN!! IT'S WAR!!
Are you bored with outdated board games? Would you like the perks of being a military superpower in the comfort of your own home? Do you hate Arabs? If so, TMCM has got just the thing for you. We're releasing the next generation of classic board games, which are sure to ramp up the action in your life. The entire series is based on actual world events, making these games as relevant as they are fun. Buy all four and TMCM will put YOU in the global drivers seat!
The War on Terror Board Game:
In this strategy-based game, you are the president ofthe United States fighting against the world's most dangerous terrorists. What makes this title unique is that, as Bush, none of the games complicated rules actually apply to you. Do whatever you want! Ignore the UN. Slap the Canadian Prime Minister. Crap on the White House lawn, it just doesn't matter. Simply mutter the word "freedom" a lot and the world is your board game!
Abu Ghraib Prison Scandal, the Home Game:
How many Iraqi prisoners can you stack in a pile before the whole thing topples? This challenging new game is a lot like Jenga, but with an exciting, homo-erotic twist. Game includes:
-12 nude, Iraqi action figures
-1 small pair of panties
-1 copy of the Geneva convention, which you can wipe your ass with.
No Clue:
The goal in this exciting mystery game is to solve, not one murder, but thousands! Who killed all those people in the office building with an airplane? More importantly, who gives a shit? Once you've established who's involved, you're free to ignore the killer in favor of an inexplicable, random invasion. Wheee!
The Game of Life (in Iraq):
Where should you go to college? What sort of fabulous career should you pursue? Who should you marry, and when? Well, in the Game of Life (in Iraq) it doesn't matter, because you're going to die soon. Between a brutal insurgency and the US occupation, you're more concerned with daily mortar attacks and roadside bombings than with the long-term goals most people have. Financial success? Retirement? Make it to the fruit-stand in one piece and you'll be doing great.
And coming soon from our TMCM Toy Division:
Exploding Yard Darts!
Moral Slip n' Slide!
Pin The Blame On The Media!
And Patriotic Bumper-stickers!
Each one proudly displays US foreign policy as articulated by President Bush. Three to choose from:
1. Uh...liberty?
2. Freedom and stuff
3. Iranistan, here we come!
posted by Samwick @ 4:27 AM
2 Comments:
At 9:20 AM,
Tonto said…
Matt -- This is too funny. If this becomes a real game I will be buying several. I have five people I know who would be on the floor lauging their heads off to play this game.
You think like me. I have a guy friend who once when we were both depressed and pessimistic on the same day started talking and we came up with the idea of "misfortune cookies" rather than "fortune cookie"...You know have a bag of fortune cookies and misfortune cookies mixed so when you go around the table and read yours after a meal someone in the group is going to get one that reads something like this..."The mole on your back is cancer"...or "Yep your son is gay." [my guy friend who is gay came up with that one and thought it would be the best way to do it with parents.]
You would open up a cookie and it would say "You will never make anymore money than you are right now."
Yes I know it is dark and bad but sometimes that is just the mood I am in. Ever feel that way?
By the way I saw your comment on RTH I think you were talking to me about Stephen King Short stories. Unfortunately with my work lately I have not read anything lately but I want to get the title you mentioned. Is it good?
I have been reading up on some stuff because I am going to debate Ric on RTH about how affirmative action and other government programs have really helped not hurt us in the long run in terms of race relations. Knowing Ric and the fact that he is my boss it is going to get ugly. I hope you come back by to read it when we do. I will need your support.
Talk to you later - Matt.
At 3:56 AM,
Samwick said…
Hi Georgina! I'm glad you like the board game stuff...It's hard to find like-minded people out there who have a similarly twisted sense of humor. You have got to copyright your misfortune cookie idea, by the way, that is perfect. "The mole on your back is cancer" for example, that is hilarious.
I'm not sure yet if this King short story collection is good, still haven't had a chance to start it. I had just noticed that Misery was on your book list and was wondering which, of his other stuff, you had liked. Anyway, hope you are having a good week there, take care!
Post a Comment
<< Home