Tom DeLay's Feeding Tube Treasures!
Recipes for the Discriminating Mental Turnip
By Tom DeLay
Goddamn I love Jesus. And, when it’s convenient, I even love the things he preached about (except for that “turn the other cheek” bullshit). So, when people ask me why I tried to intervene in the Terri Schiavo case, I just give 'em a few quotes from the bible. The book of John (chapter 6, verses 1- 14) describes how Jesus, with only five loaves of bread and two small fish, miraculously fed a crowd of five thousand people. It's in honor of this miracle that I do everything I can to protect and feed the hungry of the world (assuming, of course, they are Christian, white and living in a red state...homeless people excluded, because it really doesn't matter what state they live in: I hate them). With the right to life issue receiving so much attention recently, I thought it was a good time to put out a few simple recipes for those innocent souls who are nourished through a feeding tube. The brain dead may not actually know what food they’re receiving, but stunts like this really energize my insane religious base, so please: try my recipes and together we'll make a confusing and ambiguous statement that somehow relates to abortion. Thank you.
Chicken Noodle BBQ
Mmmm...it's the classic chicken dish, only grilled, pulped and soupified! You can't eat only one quart! Just mix 1 16oz. can of chicken noodle soup and 1/2 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce.
The Blueberry & Steak Shake
A liquid mix of blueberry and steak may not sound appealing, but, since your loved one's cortex is also liquid, they really won't mind. Seriously. Poke 'em with a stick, they won't even blink. Blend 1/2 cup milk, 1 cup blueberry and 2 cups cubed steak.
Garlic and Herb Hummus
Nah, I'm just kiddin'. Only Koran-loving terrorists eat this crap.
Big Texas Breakfast Blend
This mix of eggs, grits, and old-fashioned, down-home cooking would have 'em beggin' for more if...you know, they weren't brain dead. Prepare 1 cup grits, toss in a few uncooked eggs and top with a handful of bacon bits. Yum.
Tom's Tropical Fruit Mix
I don't know. Just throw some healthy lookin' shit into a blender. I'm sorry, the word 'fruit' just makes me all crabby.
By Tom DeLay
Goddamn I love Jesus. And, when it’s convenient, I even love the things he preached about (except for that “turn the other cheek” bullshit). So, when people ask me why I tried to intervene in the Terri Schiavo case, I just give 'em a few quotes from the bible. The book of John (chapter 6, verses 1- 14) describes how Jesus, with only five loaves of bread and two small fish, miraculously fed a crowd of five thousand people. It's in honor of this miracle that I do everything I can to protect and feed the hungry of the world (assuming, of course, they are Christian, white and living in a red state...homeless people excluded, because it really doesn't matter what state they live in: I hate them). With the right to life issue receiving so much attention recently, I thought it was a good time to put out a few simple recipes for those innocent souls who are nourished through a feeding tube. The brain dead may not actually know what food they’re receiving, but stunts like this really energize my insane religious base, so please: try my recipes and together we'll make a confusing and ambiguous statement that somehow relates to abortion. Thank you.
Chicken Noodle BBQ
Mmmm...it's the classic chicken dish, only grilled, pulped and soupified! You can't eat only one quart! Just mix 1 16oz. can of chicken noodle soup and 1/2 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce.
The Blueberry & Steak Shake
A liquid mix of blueberry and steak may not sound appealing, but, since your loved one's cortex is also liquid, they really won't mind. Seriously. Poke 'em with a stick, they won't even blink. Blend 1/2 cup milk, 1 cup blueberry and 2 cups cubed steak.
Garlic and Herb Hummus
Nah, I'm just kiddin'. Only Koran-loving terrorists eat this crap.
Big Texas Breakfast Blend
This mix of eggs, grits, and old-fashioned, down-home cooking would have 'em beggin' for more if...you know, they weren't brain dead. Prepare 1 cup grits, toss in a few uncooked eggs and top with a handful of bacon bits. Yum.
Tom's Tropical Fruit Mix
I don't know. Just throw some healthy lookin' shit into a blender. I'm sorry, the word 'fruit' just makes me all crabby.
posted by Samwick @ 3:06 AM
3 Comments:
At 10:37 AM,
Christopher said…
Can Tom's final departure as majority leader in the House be long delayed?
At 3:23 PM,
Snave said…
Haha! I believe his "end times" must be near!
At 8:41 AM,
Samwick said…
I hope this is the case, but DeLay is terrific at politica in-fighting...If anyone can escape the consequences, DeLay can, he's one of the most skilled practitioners of the moral black arts.
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