Cosmo Sucks

Women's magazines tend to be condescending lumps of crap that infantilize and belittle their target audience. Well...to be fair, most magazines are condescending crap, but I was reading through an issue of Cosmo recently and the tone of the magazine was appalling. Every other article offered "secrets to pleasing your man", so I decided to work on my own little advice column. In fact, I think I'll work on it and send it directly to Cosmo, I'm sure they'll love it. Here's the first draft:

8 New Ways To Land That Man!!

When it comes to finding Mr. Right, there are two basic rules that all women should know: 1. Downplay your intelligence. Constantly. And 2. Always tell men what they want to hear. Of course, following this second rule is easier said than done, so I've put together a little cheat sheet based on the latest sociological research. What follows is a list of statements that all men secretly want to hear from women. These lines are guaranteed to keep any boyfriend happy. Or, if you're out on the prowl, you'll now know exactly what to say:

"Of course I'll go to Hooters with you! That someone would think to combine the consumption of food with the visual consumption of the subservient female body does not in any way horrify me."

"I definitely understand your reluctance to commit. It's not that you're an impulsive man-child, you just feel "crowded" right now. I need to do a better job of respecting your "space", i.e. your serious mommy issues."

"I have an orifice."

"I would love to play X-box with you! Do you have that idiotic game where you shoot bad guys and/or monsters repetitively for dozens of hours, taking pride in the accomplishment of utterly meaningless tasks, slowly dying on the inside as your life is given over to the endless pursuit of pointless distractions? Because that game fucking rocks.

"Aw, there's no reason to cry. That was up to (but not exceeding) ten seconds of really amazing...you know, sex or whatever. Pre-mature ejaculation shows how much you love someone."

"Look, why don't I just shut my pie-hole so that you can regale me with the exploits of your favorite sports team? Seriously, talk at great length about a game in which a person and/or group of people scoot around a "ball" of some sort until a winner, as determined by an arbitrary set of rules, emerges. Because this is fascinating to me."

"I too think it's funny when your friends come over and fart."

"Sustained eye-contact would imply that you view me as a person and not just an assemblage of body parts that exist solely for the purpose of male gratification. So please...keep staring at my breasts."