Uncle Rummy's Love Column
Don "Juan" Rumsfeld Fields Questions From Love-Struck Readers
Mr. Rumsfeld: my girlfriend says she loves me, but I can tell she's bored with the relationship. What can I do to keep her from leaving? Douglas, Philadelphia PA
Romantic insurgencies like this will inevitably flare up from time to time, Douglas; it's really nothing to worry about. You basically have three options here. You want, initially, to thoroughly carpet bomb her with gifts...nothing fancy, just little things like trinkets and candy. If that doesn't work, you may need to dip into your black budget and have the CIA kidnap her and illegally transport her to Egypt. Once there, imaginative torture pro's will work their persuasive magic. This will probably do the trick, but if not, you're pretty much down to your final option: a romantic drive to the country and a final kiss, followed quickly by a double tap to the left temple. It's a rough option, I know, but killing her may be the only way to save the relationship. Best of luck.
Hi. I came out of the closet a few years back and I was wondering...
Yeah, let me just stop you right there. I have a question myself: do you see my fist? Do you see it? I will knock the gay out of you with this fist...with this veiny, arthritic, hammer of justice. In fact, that whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy? Well, I just made up a new policy. It's called "shut your pie-hole, Closet Boy". Do you like that? Good, because I've got another one. It's called, "don't ask, don't get smacked by Uncle Rummy, who is the living sword of God Almighty and scourge of the wayward sodomite." Is that one more to your liking?! Ahem. Next question.
D. Rumsfeld: My wife and I have only been married three months, yet we are beginning to have almost daily arguments. Do you have any tips for stopping these newlywed fights before they start? Thanks. Michael, Boston MA
Great question. Some people feel that communication is the key to a happy marriage, but I disagree. Let me share with you the special technique I've developed for building a quiet, argument-free relationship. 34 years ago my wife and I were discussing some minor household issue- I can't even remember what it was now- and it just so happened that she did not 100% agree with me. So I locked eyes with her, Michael. I locked eyes with her real hard, and I whispered to her, all quiet like, "What did you just say?" Then I pulled out a rusty switchblade and, never breaking eye contact, I started to cut myself...I started to cut myself real bad, and I smiled the whole time, 'cause I liked it, and I asked her, "You wanna get weird, baby? You wanna get weird? 'Cause you're in my land, baby...and it's a kingdom of wolves." Anyway, she went full-blown catatonic on me and hasn't spoken a word since...it was a thing of beauty. So, the next time your wife gives you any lip, just remember: the old Uncle Rummy "Crazy-eye" routine works every time.
Mr. Rumsfeld: my girlfriend says she loves me, but I can tell she's bored with the relationship. What can I do to keep her from leaving? Douglas, Philadelphia PA
Romantic insurgencies like this will inevitably flare up from time to time, Douglas; it's really nothing to worry about. You basically have three options here. You want, initially, to thoroughly carpet bomb her with gifts...nothing fancy, just little things like trinkets and candy. If that doesn't work, you may need to dip into your black budget and have the CIA kidnap her and illegally transport her to Egypt. Once there, imaginative torture pro's will work their persuasive magic. This will probably do the trick, but if not, you're pretty much down to your final option: a romantic drive to the country and a final kiss, followed quickly by a double tap to the left temple. It's a rough option, I know, but killing her may be the only way to save the relationship. Best of luck.
Hi. I came out of the closet a few years back and I was wondering...
Yeah, let me just stop you right there. I have a question myself: do you see my fist? Do you see it? I will knock the gay out of you with this fist...with this veiny, arthritic, hammer of justice. In fact, that whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy? Well, I just made up a new policy. It's called "shut your pie-hole, Closet Boy". Do you like that? Good, because I've got another one. It's called, "don't ask, don't get smacked by Uncle Rummy, who is the living sword of God Almighty and scourge of the wayward sodomite." Is that one more to your liking?! Ahem. Next question.
D. Rumsfeld: My wife and I have only been married three months, yet we are beginning to have almost daily arguments. Do you have any tips for stopping these newlywed fights before they start? Thanks. Michael, Boston MA
Great question. Some people feel that communication is the key to a happy marriage, but I disagree. Let me share with you the special technique I've developed for building a quiet, argument-free relationship. 34 years ago my wife and I were discussing some minor household issue- I can't even remember what it was now- and it just so happened that she did not 100% agree with me. So I locked eyes with her, Michael. I locked eyes with her real hard, and I whispered to her, all quiet like, "What did you just say?" Then I pulled out a rusty switchblade and, never breaking eye contact, I started to cut myself...I started to cut myself real bad, and I smiled the whole time, 'cause I liked it, and I asked her, "You wanna get weird, baby? You wanna get weird? 'Cause you're in my land, baby...and it's a kingdom of wolves." Anyway, she went full-blown catatonic on me and hasn't spoken a word since...it was a thing of beauty. So, the next time your wife gives you any lip, just remember: the old Uncle Rummy "Crazy-eye" routine works every time.
posted by Samwick @ 8:22 AM
2 Comments:
At 5:48 PM,
Becky said…
Mr. Rumsfeld, I think my children may be hiding drugs in my house and planning to use the drugs against our community. I'm in favor of pre-emptive punishment, but my wife thinks it's unwarranted. How am I to keep my community safe from hooligans?
At 2:08 AM,
Samwick said…
"How am I to keep my community safe from hooligans?"
Well, I hate to tell you this Becky, but you'll have
to completely "democratize" your neighborhood. In other words, you'll have to level the whole thing. Sure, you'll be killing the non-hooligans too, but
liberty is on the march where you live and crazed, irrational warfare is the only option. Best of luck!
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