I Help
Recruitment numbers for the military have been down recently, which is a serious problem given the deteriorating situation in Iraq. Fortunately...I care, and I am now prepared to do my part for the war effort. Knowing that reality is irrelevant and image is everything, I have put together a thoughtful (read: inappropriate) ad that may very well help boost these sagging recruitment numbers. Let's hope this will do the trick:
Have you ever thought to yourself: Gosh, life would be so much easier if I didn't have so many limbs to haul around? Well, we've put a lot of thought into this problem and a solution may finally be available. The Pentagon is now offering an exclusive 364-day, 365-night get-away at one of our luxurious and fun-filled resorts. A large asortment of locations are available. Choose from: Northern Iraq! Western Iraq! Lower Northern Iraq! And Possibly Baghdad! Once there, you'll experience:
-Healing sand-storms
-Purifying 115-degree heat
-And, best of all, quick and painless limb removal
[disclaimer: limb removal is not actually painless]
Yes, freedom is on the march in Iraq...and it's marching on prosthetic limbs. Won't you join us?
For more info, contact Matt at what is sure to be his new address:
Matt
P.O. Box 666
Hell
Thanks.
Have you ever thought to yourself: Gosh, life would be so much easier if I didn't have so many limbs to haul around? Well, we've put a lot of thought into this problem and a solution may finally be available. The Pentagon is now offering an exclusive 364-day, 365-night get-away at one of our luxurious and fun-filled resorts. A large asortment of locations are available. Choose from: Northern Iraq! Western Iraq! Lower Northern Iraq! And Possibly Baghdad! Once there, you'll experience:
-Healing sand-storms
-Purifying 115-degree heat
-And, best of all, quick and painless limb removal
[disclaimer: limb removal is not actually painless]
Yes, freedom is on the march in Iraq...and it's marching on prosthetic limbs. Won't you join us?
For more info, contact Matt at what is sure to be his new address:
Matt
P.O. Box 666
Hell
Thanks.
posted by Samwick @ 12:04 AM
7 Comments:
At 12:20 PM,
Christopher said…
US Army recruiters, being in the dire straits they are currently in, may see your ads as the manna from heaven they are looking for.
And you, with your Pavlovian feel for what turns red-blooded Americans on, could be what George Bush may shortly be looking for, given the possible imminent departure of his chief manipulator and truth-spinner.
At 2:19 PM,
1138 said…
Are YOU worried about terrorism?
Afraid AQ is targeting the Fire Hydrant down the street?
Fearful of going to the Mall on sale day?
Join the Army and learn what real fear is.
At 2:35 PM,
Mindwyrm said…
PO Box 666
Hell
LOL
I thought that address was already taken....or has the Bush/Cheney/Rove reservation been cancelled?
At 10:48 PM,
Samwick said…
"has the Bush/Cheney/Rove reservation been cancelled?"
No, but it was decided that I deserved more punishment than they do...so they were upgraded to purgatory (sort of the "first class" of damnation, hell being "coach).
Take care...
At 3:01 PM,
Sheryl said…
Don't forget to mention the Tigris and Euphrates and be sure to call it Mesopotamia rather than Iraq. That could add to the concept of Iraq as a vacation paradise.
Although they are targeting 16 year olds these days, so the video game tactic is no doubt your best bet.
At 2:23 AM,
Samwick said…
Hi Sheryl. A friend pointed out to me that a lot of commercials for the military (the marines in particular) feature computer generated soldiers, making them look suspiciously like video game characters. Which is necessary: if recruitment doesn't begin to rise, we may have to start signing up 14-year olds, or possibly 12 year olds who are tall for their age.
At 4:19 AM,
Sheryl said…
If they can make computer generated soldiers for the commercials, how 'bout sending computer generated soldiers off to Iraq?
Not but seriously, you were speaking of philosophy. I started to read Machiavelli's Prince right before the war started, and I was intrigued by the following quote:
"But when dominions are acquired in a province differing in language, laws and customs, the difficulties to be overcome are great, and it requires good fortune as well as great industry to retain them; one of the best and most certain means of doing so would be for the new ruler to take up residence there....Being on the spot, disorders can be seen as they arise and can be quickly remedied, but living at a distance, they are only heard of when they get beyond remedy. Besides which, the province is not despoiled by your officials, the subjects being able to obtain satisfaction by direct recourse to their prince; and wishing to be loyal they have more reason to love him, and should they be otherwise inclined they will have greater cause to fear him....."
It goes on to say that this also undermines any impression that you have just taken over the territory to exploit its resources. And that if you don't take these precautions, you are very likely to bankrupt your own country trying to hold the new province.
It occurred to me that by initiating first strike on Iraq, we bypassed all the legalities of what constitutes a "just war" and were in fact throwing ourselves back into the imperialist era of Machiavelli and his logic should apply.
To win the imperialist war we have started, Bush must move to Iraq. It really is the only solution. And if he dies while he is there, well, that's just one of the risks of running an empire.
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