the last blog

poking intellectual holes in the lid of your simplicity

Friday, August 12, 2005

Cerulean News

It is being reported this week that the trial for Saddam Hussein is expected to start within two months. Seeking a little good PR for their client, lawyers for the former dictator have put together a list of big name character witnesses they hope will speak on his behalf. Unfortunately for Hussein most of these old friends have declined the offer to testify. Thanks to some hard hitting investigative work, Cerulean Blue has obtained the names of these defense witnesses...as well as their reasons for skipping the trial.

George Bush Sr.: Made sweet, enomomic love to Hussein during much of his presidency, even after the dictator gassed and killed more than five thousand of his own Kurdish citizens (the info). Reason for not attending the trial? He is, and I quote, "getting a haircut that day." You'd think he could reschedule something like that, but apparently not.

Dick Cheney: Had extensive (and quite lucrative) business deals with Hussein during the 1990's, which means he knowingly worked with an enemy of the United States. When asked if he would be a character witness for the defense, Cheney paused, thought seriously about it for a full minute, then replied, "Go fuck yourself." Which I take to mean "no".

Ronald Reagan: Covertly partnered with Hussein during Iraq's war with Iran in the 1980's (requisite link). Even went so far as to provide Iraq's military with sattelite photos of Iran, meant to assist Hussein in his use of chemical weapons. Reason for not attending the trial? Claims to be "dead"...which, you have to admit, is way better than Bush Sr.'s lame excuse.

Donald Rumsfeld: Personally met with Hussein in mid-80's for the purpose of setting him up with chemical and biological weapons. Reason for refusing to be a character witness? Wait a minute, Rumsfeld has actually agreed to testify for Hussein, never mind.











Some friendships are just meant to last.

posted by Samwick @ 12:01 AM  

22 Comments:

  • At 1:33 AM, Blogger Snave said…

    Wow... that is all so surreal, I would almost title it "Surrealean News"...

     

  • At 4:00 AM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    Surrealean.... :-)))) Hahahaha.

     

  • At 4:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 4:42 AM, Blogger Samwick said…

    Sorry, had to remove another spammer.

    Why didn't I think of the Surrelan thing? That's perfect. Bonus points for Snave.

     

  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger Christopher said…

    Your piece shows that politics is an utterly cynical business, and that Machievellianism is still the order of the day.

    Thus, when George Bush and his acolytes stand up on their hind legs and say things to the cameras like "Saddam Hussein, the brutal dictator" or "the terrorists, by striking at ordinary people, are cowards", to justify the invasion of Iraq, they show their contempt for the general public who elected them, for even George, Tony, Dick, Rummy, and Condi don't believe the things they say for the public's delectation.

     

  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger Girl With An Alibi said…

    Matt, I swear sometimes I want to spam everyone in my address book with your posts. Once again you are dead on. And thankfully you make information that would otherwise depress me incredibly funny. :)

     

  • At 2:00 PM, Blogger Samwick said…

    I agree, Christopher. These guys turn their compassion off and on like a light switch. They had no problem with Hussein until he fucked with the oil in the region, and then, all the sudden, their little phony sad faces appeared. It's sick.

    Wow, thanks Ms. Alibi. I'm glad it ends up working, because usually for me the depressing feelings win out. It's way too hard to stay optimistic, for me anyway, espcially since these problems are bi-partisan. Democratic leaders end up doing the same sorts of crap. It's a world for the thugs. They're turning the BS theory of social darwinism into a reality. Wait a minute, I'm doing it now, getting down about it all. I need emergency candy.

     

  • At 11:11 PM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    Run for office then, Matt. It's your country too.

     

  • At 3:15 AM, Blogger Samwick said…

    Hi Sheryl! The only way I can run for office is if I keep every single aspect of my ideology to myself. The whole atheism thing doesn't go down well in America. I could support every single popular idea out there but the fact that I don't believe in invisible, magical beings means I couldn't even run for dog catcher.

    Of course, southerners do love their guns. I could probably say, I'm an atheist but I LOVE shotguns and that actually might fly here. That's the one issue people are guaranteed to go crazy over. I'll contact my campaign manager in the morning.

     

  • At 11:52 AM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    Hey, remember the Branch Davidians in Waco, Texas? They had their own bloody religion, and they were stockpiling weapons. These days there are people all over the place who practically worhsip them.

    And there is no consistency to it either because they same people who worshipped the Branch Davidians for stockpiling weapons were all geared up to invade Iraq because they figured that Hussein might be stockpiling weapons. All this really means is that certain people are easy to manipulate.

    Just ride on the anti-government theme. Tell your constituents that you might be an atheist and you might be a christian and you might be the Dali Lama (sp?), but it "ain't something that some damn bureacrat has the right to legislate." And use those exact words.

    That way you are using one public prejudice to undermine the other. Oh, and for further guidance, contact Sheryl Acme Consultants, Inc.

     

  • At 3:22 PM, Blogger Snave said…

    I know what you're saying, Matt. I don't think my views on religion and certain other political issues (and I include religion as a political issue, because the GOP has made it that way these days) would go over well at all in much of the U.S.A., so I likely wouldn't run for a statewide office. Locally? I'm thinking about something like City Council once my kids are both out of high school and I might have more time to devote to it. I actually have a bit of name recognition around town that could help me get elected, and I would enjoy serving.

    Sheryl, yes, it IS amazing how a bunch of weapons-hoarding Branch Davidians became heroes to many of the right-wingers. "Remember Ruby Ridge" and "Remember Waco" and even "Remember Elian Gonzalez" have become rallying cries for lots of those folks. How long before they start worshipping other persecuted groups like the "Aryan Nations" or the KKK? "If the leftists are opposed to those groups, then by God, we had better be in favor of them!"

    J.Marquis has posted a nice huffingtonpost article to this effect, about what it would have been like if FOX "News" had covered the Rosa Parks story. His site is at www.arewetheryet.blogspot.com .
    If Waco and Ruby Ridge and the Elian Gonzalez incident had happened under a Republican administration, would the left be using the Weavers and the Davidians and Elian as poster children? Quite possibly. When one group noticeably botches things (or is perceived or "spun" to have botched things) that involve the freedoms of a person or group, it sure provides fodder for the other side. In those three cases the GOP pounced, and since then they have used those incidents as proof of a Democrat "Big Brother" approach, with help of our major media outlets during those times.

    I DO believe Ruby Ridge was mostly a screw-up. I think that if someone wants to become a survivalist paranoid, it's basically his or her business.

    I'm not sure about Waco, and about how the flare-up occurred there... There were some questions as to how intent the Davidians actually were upon using their weapons stockpile and in what ways, but if the fire was started by the government, it reeks of a pre-emtpive strike.

    I think Elian Gonzalez belonged with his father, whether or not dad was a Cuban communist... which in and of itself does not mean the man could not have been a good father.

    If the Democrats wanted to take a similar tack and dig a bit, they could probably find a few incidents of a similar nature to those above, that have occurred during the past 4 1/2 years under the Bush administration. As the GOP runs out of stuff to slam the Dems with during the next few years, some of them will be reverting to the "Remember..." slogan strategy. The Dems need some "Oh yeah? Well what about..." responses that will hold water. Time to get digging!

     

  • At 3:23 PM, Blogger Snave said…

    Sheryl, being from Texas and not all that far from Waco, what was/is your take on that incident?

     

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    My dad had a friend who covered the mess in Waco (is a cameraman for our local tv station), and I believ he told my dad that the fire started from within the compound. My feeling is that they were a bunch of nutters like all the other paranoid militia groups.

    Now don't get me wrong, since Bush has gotten into power, I have a lot more respect for the 2nd amendment than I used to. I can seeing having to protect yourself when Homeland Security comes knocking at your door to take you off to Guantanamo Bay because you oppose authoritarianism. Still, I think the Davidians were paranoics. Like some of the bigwigs in the NRA, who think everyone needs an AK-47 to protect themselves from everyone else . You know, like those poor people who might come steal their garbage from them when they are hungry.

    In other words, my theory is that some people are just plain weird.

     

  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger Snave said…

    Damn those poor!! We need to summarily execute them all ASAP!

    Totally kidding, of course. Ugh.

    Some people ARE just plain weird. I highly recommend the book "Why People Believe Weird Things" by Michael Shermer. The chapter on Evolution vs. Creationism is worth the price of the book, and the other chapters, including one about Holocaust deniers, are also very good reading.

     

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    I don't suppose there is a picture book version, is there? Just kidding. I'll look out for it. :-)))

     

  • At 7:42 AM, Blogger Samwick said…

    "Just ride on the anti-government theme"

    Sounds like a plan to me. Or maybe I'll just start up a religious commune devoted to Shanry worship. Who's with me?

    And you had asked how to get on Shanry's good side. I'll give you a little hint: Shanry loves miniature golf. Although he's ony one foot tall, so I guess for him it's just called...golf. Anyway, hope you are well...

     

  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger Girl With An Alibi said…

    Wait Matt, you may have something on the golf thing. Just use a bunch of sports metaphors during your campaign to deflect any sticky questions.

    Seriously though, as a Christian I'm sick of politicians throwing religion in my face. I feel like I'm being manipulated and that pisses me off. I'd almost rather have an atheist in office as long as the person has healthy doses of common sense and compassion. As well as a decent ethical and moral construct. "Holier Than Thou" is soooo five years ago.

     

  • At 12:29 PM, Blogger Samwick said…

    God, it's so nice to hear you say that. Most people just hear Bush mumble the word Jesus and think, "Well, that's all I needed to hear. I'm gonna support him no matter what." Bush, as well as a lot of democrats are just manipulative used-car salesmen.

     

  • At 1:36 PM, Blogger Snave said…

    Car salesmen... how true... "Would you buy a used deity from this man?"

    I think the brand of "Christianity" those guys (Bush, et al) try to sell is basically snake oil, and is essentially a low-grade version, suitably only for those folks with the squeakiest of squeaky snakes.

    The Romans, who were of course "empire builders" adopted Christianity as their official religion around 400 A.D. I believe that may have been due in large part to their leaders' realization that by its nature it could be used to control large numbers of people. Then humanity went through the "Dark Ages", which I believe weren't called the "Dark Ages" for nuthin'. Nowadays we have wonderful things like Kansan school boards, theocrats in our national political scene, and "empire builders" in the White House.

    I don't consider myself a Christian, and in fact am now a worshipper of the Dark Lord Shanry. However, I don't believe that what Jesus taught was hatred, discrimination, or fear. So many people have twisted the words of Christ for their own gains over the years, for power, for control over other people. It sucks, and we're seeing some real power-hungry people using Christianity as a major tool of manipulation right here, today, in the U.S.A.

    Girl With An Alibi, you rock. Keep on rocking!

     

  • At 1:38 PM, Blogger Snave said…

    Ronald Dumsfeld? Testifying for Sodom Hussein? Now that I'd like to see.

     

  • At 2:43 PM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    Miniature golf sounds good. Maybe I'll join this commune after all. Can we play darts and pool as well? And have some of those little pellet guns like they have a festivals? Maybe lawn bowls as well. Oh, and I like those games where you chase people around and try to laser shoot them in the dark.

     

  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger Sheryl said…

    Oh, and if we are gonna have a commune, can we have slip and slides? It's been a while since I've had a chance to do that. And be wreckless kids and live happily ever after on junk food and toys? And never have to work? And...and...

     

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