For Those Of Faith, I Offer A Compromise Between Evolution And Creationism: Leprechaunism

Much to the chagrin of atheists like myself, Christians just aren't buying into our whole evolution scam. As we all know by now, the "theory" of evolution was actually a covert operation designed to secularize a nation too strongly attatched to it's outdated religious beliefs. We honestly thought we could lure you Christians away from your precious Jesus by wrapping our insane theory in "scientific" language. In retrospect, we perhaps took this a little too far. I mean, humans evolving from monkeys?! What were we smoking? Anyway, now that the whole factually-based science gig is up, I think it's time to go back to the drawing board and come up with a new theory about the origin of man, one that will be more palatable to people of faith. To do this, our new theory needs to include elements of spirituality and magic. It needs to be hopeful, yet smart and believable. So, combining these elements, I may have finally discovered an acceptable alternative to creationism: Leprechanism. What is Leprechaunism,you ask? I'm lonely, please fill up roughly five to ten minutes of my life, you say? Well, my theory (which is now a fact since it is appearing on a blog) might go a little something like this:

The world was in darkness and chaos...until wee Shanry O'Mallet said "Let their be gold!" It's shining brilliance filled the universe with light, and verily it was good. Needing a place to hide this precious treasure Shanry conjured up land, a spinning dirt-wad he named Earth. This too he pronounced "good, but not great". Then he shut his little Leprechaun cake-hole and got busy creating. Shanry spent the next six days inventing all sorts of things...stuff like acorns, soy sauce, edible panties, Canadians...basically all of the intricate marvels that now fill our magnificent world. On the seventh day Shanry hit the bottle pretty hard and watched Karate Kid Part 2. Then, one day, this rich white guy found a mosquito in a piece of amber. Using a crazy-straw, he sucked dinosaur DNA out of the mosquito and created a theme park where Raptors were allowed to run amok and eat Jeff Goldblum. So that's where dinosaurs came from. The end.

Our beloved creator has given us only five holy rules to follow.

THE FIVE COMMANDMENTS OF WEE SHANRY O'MALLET

1. Thou shalt not kill. Which is not to say you won't kill, I just think that morally it's...well, screw it, this one is totally unrealistic. Let me start over.

1. Thou shalt kill.

2.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife. Unless she is hot, in which case you may covet her. Also, burkas are illegal. You are welcome.

3. Thou shalt have no false gods before me, with the following exceptions: television, cell-phone/cameras, import beer and badly dubbed Godzilla movies. Go to town on those.

4.Thou shalt not steal...spoons. Everything else is fair game.

5. Thou shalt not watch more than three hours a week of Judge Judy. Judge Joe Brown? That's different, you can watch him till your eyes fall out, just limit the Judge Judy. And if anyone asks me, "But Shanry, what about The People's Court?", I swear to god I'll just flip out and flood the f'n planet, okay? Seriously.

Anyway, I think we would have gotten away with the theory of evolution had it not been for you meddling Christians. Hopefully, in Leprechaunism, we've learned from our mistakes and created the perfect faith-killing machine. It's phony and completely untestable, so I think we may be on to something. Thanks for reading, and Shanry bless.