I Field Questions From A Popular Girl Band. Cursing Ensues.

Looks like a police line-up after a fight at the gay club

The meaningless wasteland of pop culture has shit out yet another vacuous, no-talent girl band. They were undoubtedly put together by some souless corporate hack eager to sell crass and demeaning fantasies to the herd-like public we so clearly are. They're called The Pussycat Dolls, but don't let the clever double entendre fool you...they're actually very, very stupid. I think a more apt band name would be The Life-like Blow Up Dolls. And surprisingly, their music sucks beyond all knowing. Have you seen them yet? Have you had that misfortune? Like all prancing, scantily-clad morons on MTV, they work very hard to convince stupid pre-teen boys that the female body is nothing more than a collection of parts that exist solely for the purpose of male gratification. As an added bonus, their new song (which is currently #1 on Billboard's pop singles chart) includes a series of questions for the men out there. Which I think is just very considerate of them. I mean, I have a little free time today...I'd be happy to answer their questions (and the sections in bold are actual lyrics from the song...this should depress you. )

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

No. No I don't. If I'm in the mood for plastic, manufactured beauty I'll hook up with Barbie.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Oh hell no. If want a dozen STDs I'll fuck a petri dish, okay?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was fun like me?

Right. You're undoubtedly a terrific conversationalist. I mean, gosh, look at these fantastic lyrics you've written. Die.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was raw like me?

This doesn't even make sense. Has someone already run out of variations on the lyric? Did someone bounce a check at the word bank?

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but there are plenty of talented musicians out there. Find them. Buy their music. Make the scary robot bands go away. My recommendation for the day is Kristin Hersh. Here is a wikipedia link, which includes song samples. Thanks.