Pat Robertson: Comedy Gold

I am so glad that the heartless, random process of evolution has churned out the intellectual titan that is Pat Robertson. What would America be without our favorite televised faith healer? Sane, probably, but extremely boring. His much publicized call for the assassination of Venezuela's (democratically elected) president, Hugo Chavez, has resulted in a much deserved media freak out. Hell, even Donald Rumsfeld has distanced himself from these comments. When you display blood lust and Rumsfeld flinches...that means you have crossed the Crazy Line. But, in an apparent effort to bring even more joy into Matt's life, Robertson is now saying that his blatant, clear-cut statement was misunderstood. He told reporters earlier today: "I said our special forces could take him out. Take him out could be a number of things...I was misinterpreted."

Right. Pat probably meant that we could take Chavez out for ice cream. He was just watching TV one night, saw a commercial for the new "peanut buster" parfait at Dairy Queen and thought, "I bet the president of Venezuela would love that!"

Or was Pat just thinking to himself, "What would Jesus do to Chavez?" Because I think we all know the answer to this. Jesus, cold-hearted CIA man he is, would pop a cap in his ass. Obviously. Pat is keeping it scriptural, that's all.

It is just bizarre to me that a guy who heals people through the television during every show would pause to toss out foreign policy. "Susan in Boise, your herpes are gone, praise Jesus. Also, the president of Turkmenistan should resign."

We have taken such a huge step backwards in this country, culturally speaking, that I think the only sane response at this point is to grab a bucket of popcorn, open a beer and just watch the whole circus implode. I may even put on my 3-D glasses, just for kicks.