So This Happened Yesterday:
The doorbell rings. Two guys are at the door, both in suits, both with bibles. We introduce ourselves and Guy #1 asks: Matt, would you like to know Jesus?
I ask: That depends. Do you know Jesus?
Guy #1: Absolutely. I accepted Christ as my personal savior when I was 13 and we've had a personal relationship ever since.
Me: Awesome.
Guy #2: It's what we are here for Matt, to help you understand this relationship.
I say: Terrific. Clarification would be nice. I mean, a "relationship" with the Lord...that's a terrifying concept. What does it mean exactly?
Guy #2: Love, Matt. It's really that simple. Love.
Me: Can I just have the love now? Can Jesus just give it to me? Because that would really be a lot simpler. This whole "salvation" thing just seems a little...you know, odd. Is it totally necessary?
Guy #1: You are a sinner, Matt. We all are. We are born unclean and spend our lives in a state of willful impurity. But, despite all of our flaws, Jesus loves us. He loves us so much that he was willing to die on the cross for our sins. He was sent so that God could forgive us and save our souls from an eternity of damnation. All you have to do, Matt, is accept that salvation. Just ask for it and God's forgiveness is yours.
Me: Whoa. I seriously need a pop tart right now...would you guys like one? They're the low-fat kind. Strawberry.
Guy #1: Um...no thanks. Let me just ask you one final question. If you were to die today, Matt, where would your soul spend the rest of eternity?
Me: Assuming your belief system pans out, hell. The problem is that this whole scenario makes God a bit of a drama queen. I mean, "accept my unconditional love or burn forever"...that's a fairly manipulative demand. Doesn't it seem a little strange to you guys that the creator of the universe has serious co-dependency issues?
Guy #1: It's really not our place to question God's will, Matt. And I'm not sure that "drama queen" is an appropriate description. We just know that a terrific sacrifice was made for our sins and that it was made out of love. Will you accept that sacrifice and the salvation it brings?
Me: Well, probably not. I don't think I have the personality for religion. Seriously, I'm an asshole.
Guy #1 looks offended.
Guy #2 tries to stifle a laugh.
Guy #1: Okay Matt. With your permission we'd like to pray for you, to ask that the Lord speaks to your heart. Thanks for your time today.
Me: No, thank you.
Guy #1 leaves. Guy #2 leaves. I have a pop tart.
I ask: That depends. Do you know Jesus?
Guy #1: Absolutely. I accepted Christ as my personal savior when I was 13 and we've had a personal relationship ever since.
Me: Awesome.
Guy #2: It's what we are here for Matt, to help you understand this relationship.
I say: Terrific. Clarification would be nice. I mean, a "relationship" with the Lord...that's a terrifying concept. What does it mean exactly?
Guy #2: Love, Matt. It's really that simple. Love.
Me: Can I just have the love now? Can Jesus just give it to me? Because that would really be a lot simpler. This whole "salvation" thing just seems a little...you know, odd. Is it totally necessary?
Guy #1: You are a sinner, Matt. We all are. We are born unclean and spend our lives in a state of willful impurity. But, despite all of our flaws, Jesus loves us. He loves us so much that he was willing to die on the cross for our sins. He was sent so that God could forgive us and save our souls from an eternity of damnation. All you have to do, Matt, is accept that salvation. Just ask for it and God's forgiveness is yours.
Me: Whoa. I seriously need a pop tart right now...would you guys like one? They're the low-fat kind. Strawberry.
Guy #1: Um...no thanks. Let me just ask you one final question. If you were to die today, Matt, where would your soul spend the rest of eternity?
Me: Assuming your belief system pans out, hell. The problem is that this whole scenario makes God a bit of a drama queen. I mean, "accept my unconditional love or burn forever"...that's a fairly manipulative demand. Doesn't it seem a little strange to you guys that the creator of the universe has serious co-dependency issues?
Guy #1: It's really not our place to question God's will, Matt. And I'm not sure that "drama queen" is an appropriate description. We just know that a terrific sacrifice was made for our sins and that it was made out of love. Will you accept that sacrifice and the salvation it brings?
Me: Well, probably not. I don't think I have the personality for religion. Seriously, I'm an asshole.
Guy #1 looks offended.
Guy #2 tries to stifle a laugh.
Guy #1: Okay Matt. With your permission we'd like to pray for you, to ask that the Lord speaks to your heart. Thanks for your time today.
Me: No, thank you.
Guy #1 leaves. Guy #2 leaves. I have a pop tart.
posted by Samwick @ 4:38 AM
11 Comments:
At 5:31 AM,
Sheryl said…
They were about a month early for Halloween, but you should probably have given them some candy. Just one piece each though.
At 5:33 AM,
Samwick said…
I don't know, Guy #2 laughted at my joke, I should've given him two.
At 5:56 AM,
Sheryl said…
That's a point. How good was his constume though?
At 5:57 AM,
Sheryl said…
Costume, I mean.
See, you're not the only one in a fog. I can't type anymore!!!
At 9:01 AM,
Mindwyrm said…
Maybe next time you should invite them in to watch the documentary of one of their greatest members ever. Show them Orgasmo.
At 3:06 PM,
Impulsivecompulsive said…
I don't know if they would have taken you up on the candy, they didn't take the pop tart, after all. Of course, it was low-fat, so that may be self-explanitory.
At 8:28 PM,
Sheryl said…
ImpulsiveCompulsive,
Are pop tarts really low fat? Or am I being dense and missing a joke? Sometimes things fly over my head?
Geez, these verification words keep getting longer. Someone needs to program that analyzes the pixels and figures out what the letters are.
I think Blog owners should be able to decide a code for their blog that can be changed when they feel like it. That might be harder to crack.
At 11:44 PM,
Samwick said…
Sheryl: low-fat pop tarts actually exist. I mean, I'm not sure that there is such a thing as a healthy pop tart, but there are a few lower fat ones. I have terrible eating habits.
Mindwyrm: "show them Orgasmo"
That's a good idea. Pretty much anything from the South Park guys would have been appropriate. What's their ealier movie? Cannibal The Musical? I still haven't seen that one.
Impulsive: "I don't know if they would have taken you up on the candy"
I need to get some sort of Christian fodder for my house, a sort of bait to lure them inside. I always want to have longer conversation with the door-to-door people, but once they've made their pitch they take off. What should I use as bait? I know Baptists love their pot luck dinners, maybe I'll lure them in with a green bean casserole.
At 12:43 AM,
Sherese said…
Nice to offer a poptart, but next time try some freshly butchered sheep. See, it is almost time for Rammadan, and for the muslims this is like Christmas. To celebrate they butcher a sheep or goat and share it with the poor people, even shipping some of the meat off to Africa. So better yet, share this story and tell them you will send your pop tart to Africa. At the heart of every religion is sacrifice, and to for you it was the sugar in your pop tart. Not so damned after all.
At 1:29 AM,
Samwick said…
I wish I had known this, the looks on their faces would have been priceless. "Would you like some freshly butchered sheep?" Thanks for the suggestion.
At 3:51 AM,
Sheryl said…
Matt,
For starters, I also have terrible eating habits, which is why I am awake now. Indigestion. So you ain't the only one. :-(
I think door to door evangelists take joy in annoying people and/or making them uncomfortable. If you couldn't retain them, it's probably because you were so comfortable with them. As far as they are concerned, you are supposed to be the mouse, not the cat.
So if you want to lure them in, you need some way of making them think that they will be the predators in the conversation. Like if you could tell them that you can't pay your bills and that one of your parents is gravely ill or you are having problems at work with a co-worker. Anything that makes you look vulnerable. Tell them you are getting over an addiction and they would probably move in with you.
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