Matt's Happy-Time Guide To Gifts

A friend is having a birthday next week and I've been trying to think of a gift to get her. I read recently that, in China, one of the worst things you can give someone is a clock. Apparently a clock symbolizes the passage of time and, consequently, death, so that's a big no-no. I'm just guessing that a cuckoo clock, then, would be right out. Anyway, since I've been doing a little research on it, I thought I would put together a list of the worst gifts you could possibly give someone on their birthday:

-Roasted peanuts

-a tire iron

-a regular iron

-soggy tortillas

-a delusional monkey

-a well-adjusted, but homely monkey

-unseasonably fluffy pants

-seasonably fluffy pants

-herpes

And, finally, a late addition suggested by Impulsivecompulsive: an obese and semi-retarded cat on dialysis. Ouch.