My Grandmother's conversation invariably falls within the four following categories:

1. The status of her knee (which then sub-divides as follows):

A. It hurts.

B. It hurts a lot.

2. What the squirrel did this week (this one breaks down into three broad sub-groups):

A. It chewed vigorously (e.g. "You should have seen that thing eatin' away at that [seed/nut/etc.])

B. It leapt, almost fell, didn't.

C. It stole bird-food (which, then, leads back into A.)

3. Weather (in general, but this typically alternates between two observations):

A. We need rain.

B. I wish it would stop raining.

4. Why am I (Matt) not dating anyone? (a question that includes no further subcategories, it just tends to be repeated over and over until I finally get impatient and attempt to distract her by asking, "So, what has the squirrel been up to this week?)

Next week: My neighbor's habit of placing the word "literally" before a metaphor is examined. We'll dissect and diagram statements such as, "Worked a double shift yesterday and by the afternoon I was literally brain dead."