Here's How I Spent My Action-Packed Halloween:
I work a graveyard shift, so my holiday took place during the pre-noon hours. I get home...and immediately start opening the beer. No one else is around so I also talk to the cat, saying things like, "Stop meowing. Stop meowing. Look, I don't speak your language, okay? Do you want a string? Will that make you happy?" Anyway, I can't figure the cat out, it's a four-legged mystery. About three beers in I start watching High Tension, a French horror film. It's only good if you like slasher films. The plot and dialogue are lame but people get chopped up, so that's a perk. Also, I was curious to see a foreign horror film. I wanted to hear a French person scream, "AAAaaahhh!!", and then, at the bottom of the screen, read the subtitled, "AAAaaahh!!", I thought that would be funny. As I was opening Beer #4 I couldn't help but shoot coquettish glances at Beer #5. Then I started talking to it. I was all like, "So. What's up? You doin' alright? You, uh...you busy later?" Beer #5 won't say anything, it's playing coy. So, to make it jealous, I go back and start drinking slowly from #4, whispering sweet, sensual nothings to it. But Beer #5? It knows. It knows who I'm really talking to. Anyway. My Halloween meal consists of cubes of cheese and trisquits. There are no pre-noon trick-or-treaters, so I eat their candy for desert. I have some trisquits left over, I'll give those out later if necessary. Then, for about ten minutes, I start to really like the movie...I'm on the verge of saying, "This is the greatest film ever" when I realize that I'm actually just super tipsy. That explains it. And the strange thing to me is that I can drink so much beer yet never gain any weight. How is that possible? I've decided that I have either 1. really good genes or 2. an alcoholic tape worm. I should probably check into rehab and say, "I'm completely healthy, it's my obese tape worm that needs a serious intervention." So, that's it. The movie ends. I fall asleep in a pile of trisquit crumbs and beer cans. Shhh, Matt go nappy.
The End.
posted by Samwick @ 4:30 AM
8 Comments:
At 10:00 AM,
Sheryl said…
My Halloween was also pathetic. I was reading postings about what everyone should or shouldn't be for Halloween, and it got me all sentimental about the days when I used to have friends who like to do anything remotely fun. So by dinner I was really depressed.
I live with my parents because I would rather live with my parents and survive by working for them than getting a real job. (Mom and I are going to set up a t-shirt business soon. At least that is the plan.)
So I was crying when Mom comes into my room (maybe also because my female cycle is late, so my hormones are off.) I said it's Halloween--we have to do something novel.
It should be said, we live in a part of the city that is almost rural (the lots are so big), so in the 15 years my parents have lived here they have NEVER had trick or treaters. Any kids who live around here go trick or treating in their friends areas for the same reason that being a precinct chair here is dangerous--if you actually entered yards, you would be mauled by vicious dogs.
Anyway, I demanded that we at least eat out somewhere we had never tried before. That Halloween was about novelty, so we should damn well try something different. I loathe routine anyway, which is so ironic because my life has so little variety these days. I could have used one of your beers, Matt.
I wanted to eat at this middle eastern restaurant I had seen near our house, except that when we went to this other middle eastern restaurant also near our house, Dad had decided that even though the food was fabulous and he loved it at the time that it was too smokey. I dislike smoke too, but that's the culture and I like authentic food. So he decided that this place would also be smokey. When we got there it was virtually deserted, so then we shouldn't eat there because it was empty.
So now we have the battle of of two stubborn people. Sheryl who has decided that Halloween will not be right unless she does something to break the monotony of the other 364 days of the year and her father who can't possible do something different from the other 364 days of the year. Kind of like a Valentine Day standoff. Fortunately though we were already there, and everyone in my family shares the laziness gene.
The food was ok and I did like eating somewhere different, but the smokey place is better. Dad enjoyed the food more than I did actually. I ended up having indigestion, which I have been having non-stop lately anyway. The rest of my evening was spent making a silly test for a website I have been visiting and feeling queasy. I guess both our Halloweens fit within the nature of a bad nightmare anyway. At least you can drink beer non-stop and not get fat.
At 12:36 PM,
Christopher said…
Hi Matt – I noted your comments to the farewell entry on my site, and I appreciated your sentiments.
Why I stopped using this site had to do with my felt need to escape the obsessive cyberspace attentions of someone I know personally, who may - at least in my fevered imagination - be displaying symptoms of de Clerambault’s syndrome, a psychiatric malady that was the subject matter of Ian McEwan’s novel “Enduring Love” – a novel I highly recommend.
However, I’ve not gone away, and have metamorphosed into Richard J at www.cartablanc.blogspot.com and
into Biff at www.sexfiles999.blogspot.com
That I now need two sites to express the different sides of me, together with my need to slink away in the middle of the night from my original site, may bespeak an incipient paranoid schizophrenia. However until this becomes full blown, I’ll just enjoy myself.
As to your activities on Halloween night, I’ve always thought that beer makes one strong, for guys that drink lots of beer look mostly big and tough.
So, drink on!
At 1:19 PM,
Samwick said…
Sheryl: "I could have used one of your beers"
Oh, you can have a beer...just not
Beer #5. We have a special bond. I've even written a little poem for it...
Oh Beer #5
You keep me alive
With your sweet flowing booze
Which I just spilled on my shoes
I've perhaps had enough
Which seems a bit rough
Because Beer #5...
You keep me alive
Christopher:
I had been wondering if you were Mr. Richard, due to the cross-pollination of posts. What's the sex blog about? Sex? Do I win any awards for figuring that out?
"guys that drink lots of beer look mostly big and tough."
I hope that's a prophecy. I'm sure that after one more case of booze my thin arms and bad posture will begin to take on a more menacing look. Grrr.
At 2:01 PM,
Snave said…
Your Halloweens sound about as exciting as mine was. Mine was spent finishing work at the local hospital (that's my second job, where I provide speech therapy for outpatients from 4:00 p.m. until who knows when, after doing it all day for kids at schools), dashing home for a frozen Lean Cuisine dinner, and then dashing to Monday Night Community Band practice, where I got to relax and noodle around on the bass clarinet for a couple of hours.
By the time I got home it was 9:15 p.m., and just about all the trick-or-treaters had come and gone. The ones who were still coming to our door included a bunch of middle school students I know... and I found that to be somewhat disturbing, as now they know where I live. Plus, with the diet I am on, I didn't eat any candy, and Kit didn't buy the kind of candy for which we would eat the leftovers (or be tempted to), because she's dieting also. I've dropped 15 pounds in the past 6-7 weeks, so I shouldn't be complaining. Despite that, I still look like I have a gut, so my obese tapeworm hasn't chosen to share in my dieting experience just yet. My arms and legs have borne the brunt of my decreased calorie intake, as they now look like toothpicks. Maybe it's time to hit the weight room...
Today is my one day a week where I have to be up by 5:30 a.m. in order to commute to a school district 95 miles from where I live, so I was in bed and sound asleep by about 10:30 last night. No time to go out and vandalize local homes or commit arson... maybe next year.
The fun thing about the drive to this little rural school district (in a town called Halfway, no less) is that there is plenty of time to crank up some good music while en route. I'm on my lunch break in Halfway as I write. On the way here this morning it was The Dandy Warhols, Brian Jonestown Massacre, and Chris Whitley. On the way home there will be some world music produced by Peter Gabriel, and some Uncle Tupelo. Plus, there will be plenty of wildlife to avoid along the roadway as I careen around sharp canyon corners and bomb flat-out along the straightaways.
So, today is much more enjoyable for me so far than Halloween was. I hope your todays are also more enjoyable than your yesterdays!
At 2:03 PM,
Snave said…
Christopher I, I was wondering who Biff and Richard J were. All I knew about them before reading your comment was that they were pretty danged cool guys! You can direct them to my weblog any time you like! It's fun being a two-headed monster, I know. My friend Donald still hasn't found a way to emerge from the afterlife just yet, but I believe he is working on it. I have a hunch that he might be reincarnated, and that he might come back as an inanimate object, like maybe a rock or a piece of furniture.
At 8:37 PM,
Christopher said…
To Matt and Snave - I've now linked your sites to both of mine.
At 11:25 PM,
Sheryl said…
Oh, you can have a beer...just not Beer #5. We have a special bond. I've even written a little poem for it.
Yea!!!!! Free beer.
I wouldn't dream of taking Beer #5 away from you. If you get a six pack, then I could drink Beer #6 and it wouldn't even interfere with the progression ? And to add to your poem:
If Matt's still alive after drinking Beer 5,
Then I'll get my fix from downing Beer 6.
And to make this fantasy diviner,
Maybe Matt could purchase Shiner.
Snave, your evening sound way cooler than Matt and mine, especially playing the clarinet. I played at the Clarinet in Middle School, but the reeds were always splitting on my braces. That wasn't very pleasant.
At 11:50 PM,
Sheryl said…
Hey, Matt! Is this the start of a beer opera?
I hope you don't buy Guiness stout.
'Cause then I'd have to go without.
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