I Unveil My Eleven Dollar Flu Strategy

Earlier this week President Bush announced his $7.1 billion strategy for combating any potential bird flu pandemic. Among other things this plan includes the stockpiling of medications, increases in funding for various forms of vaccine research and, presumably, blowing the shit out of Iran at some point, just for the hell of it. Anyway, I've decided to put together my own flu strategy and, while I may not be equipped to deal with the more deadly strains that a bird flu pandemic might produce, I can make preparations for the common flu bug should I happen to catch it this year, which I invariably do. Here's what my plan involves:

-I am buying the four-gallon, mega-jug of Nyquil. I'm not even sure if they sell such a thing, but the sweet relief of liquid crack is the first thing I'm going for.

-I am going to rent not one, but two whole seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

-I am going to cash in two weeks of sick leave and proceed to veg out, while whining non-stop about how terrible I feel. This will include bouts of girlish crying and blatantly wimpish appeals for pity.

-I will insist that I am the sickest human ever until my roomates, tired of my whining, finally throw my ass into the front yard and lock all the doors.

Feel free to borrow this list if you're looking for your own flu strategy...I wonder if, as a public service, I should send this to the CDC?