How To Be A Professional Writer

Here are just a few tips for the budding writer out there.

1. For god sakes, do not write these rules down.

Seriously, you're a fucking amateur and any writing attempts at this point will just go terribly awry. It's a skill...nay, a craft...that requires exceptionally delicate motor skills. Put a pen or pencil in your hand too soon and you'll just end up making a lot of weird hooting sounds and swinging your arms around wildly, likely stabbing a random passerby in the process. If you have difficulty remembering things, consider giving up. Just paint clown faces on discarded sugar packets for a living, you retarded baboon.

2. Write at least ten pages a day.

Not yet, though. Did you not read the first rule? Christ, put that pen down, you're scaring the shit out of me!

3. Find my medication.

I'm not offering a reward or anything, but I've been flying "solo" for three straight days now.

4. Chicken Chow Mein.

No soap radio.

5. Kill a better writer and assume his/her identity.

The key here is to be the one doing the killing and not the "alleged" victim. This is also a great prank to play on friends. [Disclaimer: for the "alleged" victim, death is typically followed by a lengthy period of ceasing to return to life, so you may want to keep that in mind as certain quaint "laws" may apply in some states. ]

6. See if you can get away with making shit up and referring to yourself as the "Verbal Jackson Pollock".

I shoe-jacked the Ovular Songstress.

6. Okay, maybe scratch that last rule.

7. Dig deep into your innermost soul, claw out the most painful memory, destroy your self esteem, attend therapy for at least a decade, then start writing about ponies and kittens.

Good writing begins with pain. Great writing begins with easy and simple concepts that won't challenge or confuse me.

8. And finally, remember: A well-written sentence speaks for itselfs,