I Interview Supreme Court Nominee Samuel Alito

Mr. Alito, in 1992 you...

Oh, let there be no doubt: I'm gonna protect those sweet little babies. I'm gonna save those pink, tiny fluffs of fetal goodness. Know why, bitch? 'Cause Jesus made them. That's right...Jesus.

I thought...

And truly, it was written: God so loveth the world that he made a whole bunch of them sweet little unborn babies.

I'm pretty sure the bible doesn't say that.

Actually, it's right here. I'm just using a newer translation, the Our Most Holy and Beloved Pat Robertson Edition.

So there doesn't seem to be any pretense here...you're just openly a Christian activist?

What? No, no. I'm a strict constructionist and abortion isn't mentioned in the constitution. Consequently, the bible wins.

Wins? That it then becomes a state issue, that's atleast a plausible response, but using the bible as a default set of laws...that's just bizarre.

Siiiilent night. Hooooly night. Aaaaalll is...

Fuck. I am depressed. Did you hear about the religious group that smeared holy oil over all the seats in the Senate chamber where your confirmation hearings are being held?

...calm. Aaaaalll is bright. 'Roouund yon viiirrgin...

Huh. What else? Oh, what do you think about the movie Brokeback Mountain? A lot of Christian Conservatives are speaking out against the film.

It's an abomination, of course. There's no way I would watch a movie about...you know, Heath Ledger's tender man-cheeks being violated by that hottie from The Day After Tomorrow. Who could possibly sit through...oh my God, scene after scene of amorous cavorting about involving boots, ropes, leather chaps, and the cuddly bliss of post-coital dude-spooning? That is...whew, that is wrong. Could I borrow like a paper towel or something?