I Rally My Hillbilly Bretheren

I've mentioned before that I live in the Ozark Mountains...beautiful place, but the people here tend to be a bit evangelical for my tastes (and by "evangelical" I mean right of Chomsky, after he's smoked a J and watched Koyaanisqatsi). Even though the population is relatively low, the area is still home to an astounding number of super-sized churches and crazy, drooling televangelists. So, when the film Brokeback Mountain finally arrived here this past weeked the locals were, predictably, upset. Pastors are publically speaking out against it, congregations are experiencing phony, yet requisite, outrage...and Matt, naturally, is doing his part to further antagonize them. What follows is an actual letter to the editor that I've sent to a local paper. Not sure if they'll run it, but here it goes:

I would like to take this opportunity to implore Christians in the area to find some way of protesting an offensive new film that is attempting to legitimize subversive alternative lifestyles. I am talking, of course, about King Kong, a film that glorifies the relationship between a woman and a freakishly large gorilla. This is obviously a moral abomination, and in the New Testament Jesus states, "And verily, thou shalt love thine enemy. To those who suffer through poverty and misfortune, you shall offer thy charity and support. Hmm...what else? Oh, monkeys are evil (especially those crazy, giant ones that kill people and climb skyscrapers. Seriously, those really freak me out)." Dare we ignore the timeless wisdom of Jesus? And let's not forget the creation story, which makes it quite clear: it's supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Eve and a huge monkey. Along with protesting King Kong, you might also consider supporting some of the more wholesome films that are out right now. Narnia is a good one. Glory Road has an uplifting message. Brokeback Mountain- haven't seen that one yet, but it's got cowboys. I mean, it doesn't get more all-American than cowboys, so definitely load up the family and see that one. In closing, King Kong's sinister attempt to further the primate agenda must be stopped, and it is up to those of us in the moral majority to do the stopping. In a way, we Christians are like the cowboys of the old west: standing up for what's right, protecting the innocent, and watching one another's backsides. I mean backs.

Thank you