Matt Takes A Call

Phone rings (this is yesterday).

Matt: Hello?

Caller: Yes, is Matt available?

From the pause and click I heard before he spoke, I know it's a telemarketer. I respond: Possibly.

Telemarketer: Possibly?

Matt: Not.

TM: Wait, wait. Is this Matt or someone else?

Matt: Is it...cauliflower? What?!

TM: I am just going to assume you are Matt and proceed from there, okay?

Matt: Great. That's fun. I will assume you are grandmother.

TM, after a lengthy pause: This is just a courtesy call regarding your credit card. We like to check in every once in a while and make sure you're completely satisfied with your service.

Matt [singing]: Yummy yummy yummy I've got crack in my tummy.

TM: ......

Matt: Grandma? Grandma? Are you there? Grandma?

TM: I would also like to take this opportunity to let you know about an exciting new feature that we are only offering to select customers.

Matt: Wow, how did I get on the select list? That is awesome.

TM: For only 4.99 a month...

Matt: That. Is. Awesome. I have been selected. Chosen. Confused. Torn asunder. Freshly shorn. Hopscotch. Keys and Parrots.

TM: Sir, is there a better time that I can call back?

Matt: No I won't scratch your back. What the fuck?! Where would you...is there money involved?

TM: I can either...

Matt: Booze? I'll do it for booze.

TM: Goodbye, sir.

Matt: Don't go. I'm lonely. I'm...a podiatrist.

TM: *click*

[Next: An interview with Buddha].