Mmm...A Warm and Fuzzy Abortion Post

So, Dadahead has this post up on abortion where he basically laments the lack of serious discussion on the issue amongst left-leaning blogs. It's a fair point so I thought I would take up the challenge. Here are my very sensitive, very nuanced views on abortion:

If you are not a female talking about the amorphous little blob inside of your own womb, then shut the fuck up. Close your arrogant little spout-pipe and stop telling women what to do with their reproductive organs. I guess I have trouble dealing with this issue in a measured way since there is absolutely nothing to it. The consequences of this issue are serious...Alito was a one-issue selection for the Supreme Court and at some point over the next year abortion rights will undoubtedly be abolished. So the issue is serious, but the anti-abortion arguments fueling it are not. They're a joke, and for several reasons.

First of all: acorns aren't oak trees, cheese is not milk and pseudo-fetal blobs aren't people. Before we are people, we are an inconsequential dollop of oozing sexual residue. We're the result of two mammals fucking and I have a real hard time attaching any mystical significance to that. Here's a little dramatization that may help demonstrate my point:

Some random guy: Uhnnn! Uhnnn!

Some woman: Yes! Uhnnn! Yes!

Some guy: *squirt*

The end

Wow, the beginning of life really is a holy and beautiful mystery, isn't it?

Secondly, and most importantly, there is no such thing as a soul. Period. What kind of backwards, hill-billy jackass still believes in a soul? And if you do, stop believing in it. Grow the fuck up. Or better yet, if you still believe in magical, invisible spirits, abort yourself. You are too impressionable and too easily confused to make it in this world. I am absolutely sick of your mindless little fairly tales being confused for political debate you pre-programmed, superstitious little retardo-bot. Just shut up and abort yourself, please.

Ahem. I tend to fixate on the soul issue because that is the entire basis of the anti-abortion argument. Everything else is sleight of hand. People (supposedly) oppose abortion because a pristine, innocent soul is being snuffed out. This is an absurd argument and, obviously, it's a religious argument, there is no place for it in law or government.

Do you have a right to believe in the soul? Of course. Although I'm embarrassed by the existence of religion, I think it's free practice is a beautiful thing. (Seriously, about the only perk with atheism is that I get to sleep in on Sunday mornings; its not like my die-and-rot belief system has much to offer). Do you have a right to believe in the soul without me making fun of you? No. No you don't. If that's a problem...if you are one of these Christians who loves to play the victim role and make noise about how terribly persecuted you feel, here's what you can do: you can toughen up. You can finally, for the first time in your life, stop acting like a thin skinned little bitch. Think about it: you worship a messiah who was nailed to a cross! As a Christian the least you can do is put up with few unpleasant words every now and then. Were I to say, "My dad is tough. He can beat up your dad". And you say,"No he can't", and I start crying and blubbering about how persecuted I feel, I'm going to look like a real pussy aren't I? Don't be that Christian. It sends a bad message.

In summary: A woman's body is her body, fuck-blobs aren't people and the soul is a myth. You can personally accept the anti-abortion position, but no genuinely democratic society should ever make it a law.

I don't know, this really wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped. I was looking for a bit of catharsis here. I guess it's frustrating because the people who need to understand the irrelevance of their superstitions won't due to the fact that I am not a terribly effective communicator. I would very much like to get through to one of these people, but I inevitably find myself preaching to the choir (and/or singing to the preacher) and I hate that. My views aren't very...marketable, shall we say. Maybe I just need to be more accepting of people and do a better job of compromising. Hmm...here is my offer to the pro-lifers out there: if you will agree with me on this issue, I will pretend that The Passion of the Christ isn't a boring, piece of shit film. Deal? Seriously, I feel like we are bonding already.