Replacing McClellan

The choice for White House Spokesguy was finally named today. Thanks to some hard hitting investigative journalism, Cerulean Blue has obtaned a list of all the people considered for the job. What follows is an exclusive look at the contents of this internal White House memo. Included: a scouting report for each candidate (a list of their strengths and weaknesses) as well as their ranking once the final decision was made.

Last Place: Ballsey McTesticle

Ballsey hates terrorists! Goddamn he hates them!! Aaahhhh!!! And Arabs! Wait, wait...that was inappropriate. He didn't mean to say that. He meant to say "jihadists". Really.

Strength: can and will eviscerate David Gregory with his bare teeth.

Weakness: may unintentionally harm a Fox News correspondent since his unstoppable patriotic fury makes friend/foe distinctions impossible.

#5: Randomly Chosen Democratic Senator

They already slavishly fear, follow and mimic the president, might as well make their role as White House spokespeople official.

Strength: their lack of strength

Weakness: their tendency to make a pee spot any time a Republican says "boo".

#4: Pedro the Guest Worker

Hola! What better way to promote the president's immigration policy than to put a recent immigrant front and center?

Strength: Pedro is very, very affordable. You say "exploitation", Pedro says "Si, por favor."

Weakness: his ethnicity may be a problem for the president's conservative base (of horribly inbred cracker-ass whiteys.)

#3: Catchphrase McGee

This sound-bite friendly candidate seems well suited to a president already fond of bumpersticker policies (like the classic "We need to stay the course" and the more recent favorite, "We need to stay the course.")

Strength: He excels at branding and selling a message.

Weakness: retarded pull-string responses ("9-11 changed everything! 9-11 changed everything!") make him indistinguishable from previous spokespeople.

Runner up: Tennis ball with a face painted on it

This is a yellow, buoyant sphere traditionally used in games of tennis, upon which a face has been painted.

Strength: who gives a shit? The title "spokesperson" is synonymous with "useless spin-whore". Stick a tennis ball out there and call it a day.

Weakness: may get carried off and lost by Britches, Laura's adorable new poodle.

And The Winner Is: Blando Blandyman (a.k.a. Tony Snow)

Fox News has confirmed that one of their own has accepted the job.

Strengths: As a former Fox News anchor, he's developed the uncanny ability to turn every utterance of the president into a coherent statement . If Bush ever farts in public Snow will likely proclaim, "Behold, the liberty trumpet has sounded!"

Weakness: May very well beat Laura Bush in the Vacant, Glassy-Eyed Stare Competition.