Symposium

Socrates: What, my friend, would you consider to be the ultimate good in life?

Bush: Hoo, that's a big question there, a tough one...but I am definitely leaning towards tacos.

Socrates: No, no. I'm referring to the highest possible value for humanity. The ultimate good.

Bush: I see. Like, besides tacos. Let's go with peace, that's always a good one.

Socrates: Okay. But you frequently boast about your status as a "war president"...is peace truly achievable through war?

Bush: Hell yeah. Absolutely.

Socrates: This means, then, you would support war of a civilian variety in Iraq?

Bush: Of course not. When them insurgents get violent it's...you know, evil. When I...look here, I'm a war president okay? I'm a decider. I've got a responsibility to the American people.

Socrates: Did you just say "decider"?

Bush: You heard me, baby. I'm a decisionist. A think-monger.

Socrates: Back to what you were saying...you have a responsibility. Could you define that a little more, your responsibilities?

Bush: Terrorists have to be smoked out of their caves and stuff. Dead or Alive. I'm a post-9-11 president. Them flag colors don't run.

Socrates: So war for you is noble, but it's something Iraqi citizens should refrain from. Would you agree then that war is not, in itself, a noble endeavor?

Bush: Well, let me show you some philosophy, okay? I know you liberal college-types love your philosophy, so I'll lay some out on ya'. Terrorism is evil. Freedom is good. The end. Nuanced thinking is for you Koran-humping eco-communists all hidin' out in your hippie, Left Coast enclaves. Screw that.

Socrates: Ah, but this takes us back to my first question. Freedom is the ultimate good. How would you define freedom?

Bush: Er. Hold up, I know this one. It's not tacos, it's not peace, it's...democracy! Whew, you almost got me there...it's democracy.

Socrates: Democracy is the ultimate good. Okay. Is a society democratic when it is for the people and by the people? Or when a foreign power invades and establishes the government?

Bush: Yes.

Socrates: I...wow. I think you're missing the point. Let's say the American government had been established by invading French forces. Would it still be a democracy? Lets say they fought the British, pieced together the entire governmental infrastructure of this country, and then proceeded to choose which candidates could be voted on. Is this democratic?

Bush: Oh. My. God. Socrates...you're wearing curtains, dude. I just now noticed. I thought those were, like, some loose pants or something, but you are totally wearing the drapery.

Socrates: What?! No, it's a chiton, the traditional garb of my people. It's...you know what? Fuck this. I talk to you and I realize...well, fuck this, that's what I realize. Could you hand me that little bottle there next to you, the one marked "hemlock"?

Bush: Here ya' go, bud. Damn. I haven't seen chuggin' like that since my old Yale, keg-stand days.