I explain baseball to you peasants
Barry Bonds has smashed baseballs and records. He hits things real hard. He is wimpish and to be shunned like that unwanted shrimp tail you spit into your napkin while pretending to discretely wipe your mouth. How clever of you. Anyway.
Steroids stopped being enough, like, yesterday. Designer super-steroids...that's where it's at, people. Crazy drugs that kill the weak of heart and bend physics. I know I'm addicted. They make whatever Bonds is taking look like a placebo. He broke Ruth's record? Well, guess what? I broke Bonds' record...in the year 1341, okay? Thanks to super-steroids my virile musculature became so huge that I actually began to distort light and travel backwards in time. I now exist as a being of pure strength in the always-ending Tomorrow-verse. Time, in it's measured form, is something I can will into being. So, in the year 1341, I magically sprang into existence and in a single game hit an astonishing 3,478 homers. Way more than that chrono-tard Bonds. (The only downside is that my testicles are the size of electrons. Potent, potent electrons.)
Steroids stopped being enough, like, yesterday. Designer super-steroids...that's where it's at, people. Crazy drugs that kill the weak of heart and bend physics. I know I'm addicted. They make whatever Bonds is taking look like a placebo. He broke Ruth's record? Well, guess what? I broke Bonds' record...in the year 1341, okay? Thanks to super-steroids my virile musculature became so huge that I actually began to distort light and travel backwards in time. I now exist as a being of pure strength in the always-ending Tomorrow-verse. Time, in it's measured form, is something I can will into being. So, in the year 1341, I magically sprang into existence and in a single game hit an astonishing 3,478 homers. Way more than that chrono-tard Bonds. (The only downside is that my testicles are the size of electrons. Potent, potent electrons.)
posted by Samwick @ 8:27 PM
3 Comments:
At 9:30 AM,
Snave said…
Chrono-tard!!! You have me laughing out loud there, Matt! I love it. I will now be unable to look at a picture of Barry Bonds without busting up laughing and thinking of that word... thanks!
At 10:51 PM,
Girl With An Alibi said…
I think I have ball number 3,478. You hit it so hard it traveled forward in time and ended up in my backyard compost heap. I'm auctioning it off on ebay right now. How much is it worth to ya?
At 7:33 PM,
Unknown said…
Having grown up around soccer and cricket, I have never really gotten seriously into American sports even after 25 years here. (Don't care for football after having lived in Oklahoma, Nebraska and Texas.) I more or less understand the rules of the games, having attended numerous Little League, middle school and high school games because of an active son. Even drove to Kansas City once from Omaha, NE to watch a game between the KC Royals and the Toronto Blue Jays. The game was runless for eleven innings, when we decided to leave. The first run was scored in the thirteenth. We heard it on the radio while driving back home in the middle of the night.
Know very little about the minutae of MLB - I am one of the peasants. But I can't help learning about the scandals and the highlights of the game.
A few years ago (2001?) the SF Giants were playing against the Astros when Barry Bonds hit his 70th home run of the season to equal Mark McGwire's record of most home runs in a single season. The guy who caught the ball in the stands was being interviewed. He described his experience as follows : " .... it was just incredible! I don't know what went through my mind at that moment. All I know is that it was a miracle and I felt this miraculous surge of "estrogen" or something going through me." (Sounds like a Bushism).
Unfortunately for him, all that estrogen did not sustain his luck for too long - just the next evening, Bonds hit his 71st and
set a new record and the guy probably felt rage caused this time by a testosterone surge. I also wonder which hormonal surge affected the man who bought McGwire's seventieth homer ball for $4 million. Shows that it is not just the players who are juiced up.
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