I Hate Mother's Day

Don't get me wrong, my mom is a nice lady, I'm just not a big fan of humanity. Not sure I approve of a holiday dedicated to the person who squeezed me into this mess. I've been looking around for a decent card to send her but everything is way too flowery and absurd. I wanted something a little closer to my own feelings so I pulled up my computer's photo-shop and made one myself. On the inside it reads:

"To the best mom ever: thanks for somehow not giving me fetal alcohol syndrome you bourbon-obsessed whore."

And the cover is adorable. I drew a smiley face on the picture of a leaky, broken condom. I'm sentimental that way. I'll have to check the calendar to see when father's day is, I've already made up his card. It reads:

"Gee dad, thanks for unloading such a mighty seed. I was a C student all through school and now work a crap, dead-end job. I'm balding, fat and haven't been laid in god knows how long...way to go, shooter."

My grandfather's day card:

"Your wheezing, tubercular cough terrified me as a child."

For the kindly grandma:

"If I have to eat one more of your tasteless, rock-hard bunt-cakes I swear to god I will stab myself in the neck."

Is there a sibling's day?

"By pure chance we dropped from the same womb...I've enclosed a check for five dollars."

Extended family day:

"Remember the last time we saw one another, at Thanksgiving? When we put on phony smiles, exchanged painfully bland small talk, ate ungodly amounts of turkey and watched idiotic sporting events (because we were desperate for any form of distraction that would allow us to ignore the fact that we are all strangers to one another)? Anyway. I died a little on the inside that day. See you at Christmas!"

So yeah...have a nice weekend mom. Your card is in the mail.