Memos and Omens and Bush...Oh My

The president has mentioned repeatedly that there are no plans to invade Iran. None whatsoever. He would prefer a peaceful solution. War is a last resort. Seriously. Rinse. Repeat. It's the same sort of shit he said about Iraq before he...you know, invaded it. And I can't handle it. I have no intention of waiting around for the diplomatic charade, the inevitable invasion and finally, years from now, documents proving that the entire thing was a lie (linkies). So, thanks to some impatience on my part and a little hard hitting investigative work, Cerulean Blue has the goods. I'm pulling a Downing Street sooner rather than later and unveiling the transcript of a recent phone conversation between Tony Blair and our beloved leader, George W. Bush. The topic? Iran...sort of.

Bush: Hello?

Blair: Yes, good morning Mr. President.

Bush: Hello?

Blair: I can hear you loud and clear sir. How are you?

Bush: I'm wearing me some of them spandex undies.

Blair: I would like to...pardon?

Bush: God. Damn.

Blair: You know, the phone line may be breaking up here, I'm afraid I'm not following sir.

Bush: Do me a favor there, ok? Shut it. Take your little word-valve and close it. Bushie wants a war.

Blair: I really think...

Bush: Boom.

Blair:...

Bush: I wanna turn me on some Fox News and watch the fireworks, Tony. I wanna see that so bad. I am totally "up" right now; I'm tossin' a chubby.

Blair: Sweet Lord help me.

Bush: Them little UN girl scouts. You know what UN spells backwards? NU. That's right: new. New World Order, Tony. I went to Princeton, remember...

Blair: I thought it was Yale, sir.

Bush: The UN can't fool Mr. Spandex here. They are all about the New World Order.

Blair: Oh please God let this be a dream. A really bad, strange dream.

Bush: Yoo-haw! Fuck it man, let's just start this thing. Iran is my oyster, little Suzy. It's my taco of joy. Hey, let's sing together. It's...a...beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day for a neighbor...would you be mine?

Blair: Mr. President?

Bush: Would you be mine?

Blair: Y...yes sir. I'll most certainly be yours. Could we possibly discuss Israel's role in...

Bush: I have a secret, Tony. I have a secret that I want to share with you. .

Blair: Honestly I am so scared right now.

Bush: I mean, I don't wanna freak you out or anything...

Blair: Of course not, Mr. President. From time to time we all...

Bush: But I've developed a meat-seeking spoon-rifle. Finally we can prevail against the Cow People of Moo-lon IV.

Blair: Is anyone recording this? Can I maybe get a little help here?

Bush: Hold on a second, Tony. I'm gonna open up my little war suitcase here, the one that has all the nuclear buttons inside. Wheeee!!!