I Meet God. This Is Unfortunate.
So I'm an atheist. I die...and wake up in heaven.
God: Hey there smart guy. How are things?
Me: Shit. I knew this would happen.
God: What? That you would kick the bucket only to find a sarcastic God making fun of your stupid ass?
Me: Something like that. So. What happens now?
God: Your life will be analyzed, your beliefs sorted, your soul processed. And then...let's see, what else? Oh yeah, you'll be shipped off to hell for an eternity of unholy suffering.
Me: Terrific.
God: Yeah. Enjoy that.
Me: How was I supposed to know you were real? There was no empirical evidence, no miracles or visions.
God: If I offered proof of my existence everyone would believe...where's the fun in that? I'd much rather watch you guys stumble around, moaning and crying about the ambiguities of life. It's hilarious.
Me: I mean...is that it? The whole point of life is to suffer for your entertaiment?
God: Pretty much. Eternity is, like, fucking long dude. I'm usually pretty desperate for distraction.
Me: That doesn't make sense. Being the creator of the universe should guarantee that you have a sense of meaning and purpose.
God: Meh. Not so much.
Me: Who made you, then? Who is your creator?
God: That's a good question. It's one I've put a lot of thought into and I've decided: no one. I was probably just crapped out by chance or some kind of random process. I just...am.
Me: How is that different from what I believe?
God: I suppose that, technically, it's not. It's just more wonderfully amusing irony that I get to enjoy at your expense.
Me: I'm re-converting to atheism.
God: Hey there smart guy. How are things?
Me: Shit. I knew this would happen.
God: What? That you would kick the bucket only to find a sarcastic God making fun of your stupid ass?
Me: Something like that. So. What happens now?
God: Your life will be analyzed, your beliefs sorted, your soul processed. And then...let's see, what else? Oh yeah, you'll be shipped off to hell for an eternity of unholy suffering.
Me: Terrific.
God: Yeah. Enjoy that.
Me: How was I supposed to know you were real? There was no empirical evidence, no miracles or visions.
God: If I offered proof of my existence everyone would believe...where's the fun in that? I'd much rather watch you guys stumble around, moaning and crying about the ambiguities of life. It's hilarious.
Me: I mean...is that it? The whole point of life is to suffer for your entertaiment?
God: Pretty much. Eternity is, like, fucking long dude. I'm usually pretty desperate for distraction.
Me: That doesn't make sense. Being the creator of the universe should guarantee that you have a sense of meaning and purpose.
God: Meh. Not so much.
Me: Who made you, then? Who is your creator?
God: That's a good question. It's one I've put a lot of thought into and I've decided: no one. I was probably just crapped out by chance or some kind of random process. I just...am.
Me: How is that different from what I believe?
God: I suppose that, technically, it's not. It's just more wonderfully amusing irony that I get to enjoy at your expense.
Me: I'm re-converting to atheism.
posted by Samwick @ 12:26 AM
2 Comments:
At 2:24 AM,
Snave said…
Looks like you aren't the only one who is in for long-term suffering, but hey... if the silly place even exists, maybe we can meet there and taunt Satan together! Heh! I think that would be fun. We can talk and laugh while we drain pitchers of liquid fire and watch each others' faces contract into rictii (that would be the plural of rictus, right?) of agony!!
"Whoa, Snavo! You've really got a good rictus on today!"
"Thanks, Matt! Looks like yours could use some work... you look like you're having too much fun. Here, maybe this bucket of lava will help."
At 11:00 PM,
Raindrop said…
If god doesn't believe in god, why should you? Emulating god cannot possibly be punishable by eternal damnation.
Post a Comment
<< Home