And Verily, The Cosmic Knee Hath Spoken

I was watching TBN a few minutes ago, a Christian channel, and some fat guy was screaming about how homosexuality is wrong because god says it's wrong. Let's set aside the fact that a wise and all-knowing deity would be unlikely to engage in one of the more common logical fallacies, the circular argument. "I am the origin of all things; the benevolent creator of the universe and all it's intricate marvels. Why can't men love other men? Um, because...I said so? Is that lame? Look, just shut your pie-hole, mortal!" You have to admit: life really would be a lot easier if moral authority rested entirely with a single, invisible deity. So, this being the case, why not just go ahead and give religious people (the hateful ones) what they want: an end to the separation of church and state? Because if Christians can implement social policies based on their bizarre, arbitrary beliefs, then I think I should be allowed to do the same. I mean, my god, Flarbo, talks to me all the time (usually by barking in morse code, using my neighbors dog as a conduit). He's always giving me a list of rules and recommendations to follow, so I'm finally going to begin insisting that all people respect and obey my beliefs. If Christians want to chisel away at the separation of church and state, then I'm all for it. Here's a brief sampling of the new morality according to our Lord God Flarbo:

-Self-cleaning ovens are evil and must be destroyed. Sure, the oven probably thinks it can just clean itself whenever it wants without a problem...but the cleaning leads to touching; the touching leads to experimentation and, predictably, all masturbatory hell breaks loose. There shall be no Ovens of Naughtiness in Flarboland.

-I'm pretty much with the Christian god on homosexuality. When it comes to marriage, I think love, emotions, and compatibility are totally irrelevant. A lifelong commitment should be based entirely upon what's in your pants. Oh, you have a matching set of genitals? Sorry, but your love is offensive to the Lord and therefore invalid.

-Stop lights, speed limits, and signs that say "No left turn" are banned. Next time you're in your car, just think "Lord of the Flies" and go crazy.

-Do skunks really have to spray that defensive odor stuff every single time they're startled? Seriously, it's 4a.m. and all I want is the newspaper, so just calm down. Anyway, skunks have to die.

-Commercials where obnoxious kids sing maudlin, patriotic songs: nauseating. Don't force me to put your children on the hit list, 'cause I'll do it.

That about covers it for now. You may be asking, "But Flarbo, what are the consequences for disobedience?" Anyone (or thing...and I am looking right at you, self-cleaning oven) who breaks a rule or displeases Flarbo in any way, shall be forced to spend an eternity in Schmell (which is a lot like hell, but with a lake of processed cheese instead of fire. Bring chips).

Thanks.